gratitude

It's been a few weeks since my last post.  Many of you have asked why.  You want to keep up with how things are going with me and treatment but realize my emoji answered text messages mean I probably don't want to talk a lot.  Please know that I appreciate all the love and support, calls and messages, food, flowers....continue to be overwhelmed with gratitude for you all.  I'm just tired.

Here's the deal.  When I write, it feels like (because it is) all about me.  ME, ME, ME.  A blog about my personal journey through breast cancer and recovery.  It was meant to be a form of communication with family and friends, a way to speak up and share what it's like so that others who are going through the same trial or may have to face it in the future might be encouraged.  And as a personal record.

Gonna be really honest here.  I'm going through a very timely getting-to-know-myself period.  I made a statement during my diagnosis stage that I have no fear about getting through this cancer stuff.  We caught it early, had it removed and now just need to do what the doctors tell us to do.  And yes, it sucks.  I hate how I feel.  But, it's just time.  A small amount of time in this 44 year old girls life. And there is the rub.  I'm 44.  I've got a lot of self reflection and soul searching to do.  I felt at the beginning and feel even stronger now about one thing.  There is something else I'm meant to learn through all of this. Something life changing.  I read something the other day that lined up with that thought.  "People of depth are enlarged by suffering.  Suffering introduces you to yourself."  That opened a door for me.

So I don't know what to write about right now.

I go to chemo once a week for the next three months starting December 2nd.  I am so grateful for all of you who reach out and encourage me, sending me words of strength and love.  We are holding it together here, and I feel deeply loved.  Can't ask for more than that.

I'd like to leave you with something.  For some of you, this will hit home. These words come from a book I'm enjoying:

"The first big thing suffering does is it drags you deeper into yourself.  People who endure suffering are taken beneath the routine busyness of life and find they are not who they believed themselves to be.  It, oddly, teaches gratitude.  It becomes a fearful gift, very different from the other gift, happiness, conventionally defined.  The latter brings pleasure, but the former cultivates character. "

Friends, there is goodness in each one of us.  God created us to enjoy His peace, live in harmony and show His grace.  To delight in the beautiful world He created for us to live in.  To live humbly, not boast, radiate His love and love those around us.  Thank you for walking with me as I keep fighting this fight and digging deep to be a better person.  The woman He intended me to be.

Identity Crisis

Hair. It can mold one's personality.  Big beautiful curly hair, short crew cut hair, glossy stick straight hair, wavy messy hair.  Mine has somehow evolved into part of who I am.  Or at least it identifies me in a crowd.  Or in this town.  "That girl with the short blonde hair!"  So, losing this coif of blonde madness is a bit emotional for me.

Jack thinks I should write a book once this is all behind me.  I just might.  Because who I am has not changed.  Cancer can't take that away from me.  I hope that someday my story can help someone going through this same sucky situation and realize that it's okay.  It's okay to be mad.  It's okay to be confused.  It's okay to not understand why. HOW you travel through it is what makes it life changing. That's the reason for this blog, the little square pictures on Instagram and countless journal pages.  I want to be a real example of someone who least expected cancer, but tackled it head on, with a smile...and no hair.

During round 2,  (Tuesday, October 20th), my oncologist told me that my hair would start to come out that week.  I wasn't quite ready for that.  So grateful my sweet friend C was there to encourage me and convince me I could rock the bald look. Thursday rolled around and my scalp hurt.  That was the sign that it was coming out soon.  The support crew was ready. We planned for a Saturday morning head shaving gathering. 

Saturday morning came and my hairstylist, mother-in-law, sweet friends and family were all here to support me.  I'm blessed to have been surrounded by people who love me and can see me weep without feeling uncomfortable.  People to hold me and comfort me.  

And Kristina.  I will say her name because I want you to share in the pleasure I have had in her and her gift of capturing life through her lens.  She offered to help me document this journey and has become a very sweet friend.  I am loving getting to know her better.  (See her contact info below.) 

I smiled and laughed through most of it.  The cotton candy mohawk was AWESOME!  I may have to try that again next summer.  But as soon as it was ALL off, it set in.  That stupid little tumor that had somehow grown in my healthy body, had caused pain, deep emotion and now a loss of a part of my identity...my hair. I love my hair.  Until about 8 years ago, I had long, wavy hair.  I always thought it would be fun to cut it all off but never had the mojo.  I think as I've grown up, I gained that confidence, and maybe a little more sass, to live up to it.  And it's become a part of me:)   

Now it's gone...  

But it will grow back... 

As a woman, being bald feels weird. My head gets cold and I feel a bit like an alien (the drugs might add to that)  But I'm okay.  I'll own it.  Because when God created me, he knew I would go through this and that I could handle it. And because maybe I can let someone else feel okay with what they may have to go through someday as well.  

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139:14

XO,

A

Photo Credit to the lovely & talented Kristina Wunsch 

http://poppiphoto.com

Insta acct: Poppiphotography

Julia Ward (hair stylist extraordinaire @ Moda Capelli Hair in Olympia